Championship on the Horizon

So on an impulse after the Buckeyes' basketball Championship loss, I said I wouldn't cut my hair until a Cleveland / Ohio State team (this means: the Cavs, Indians, Browns, Buckeyes basketball and football) wins their respective championship. This was inspired by Michael Vick’s proclamation a few years ago that he wouldn’t cut his hair until the Falcons won a Super Bowl. This move is probably ill-advised, but I'll stick to my word. I'll get it trimmed every now and then (because my afro still has to look nice and shaped!) but don't worry, it'll grow.

The Sports Gods tell me that I won’t have to wait for too long, looking at the recent prowess of the Cavs, Indians, and Browns (kidding). Here are some dates when it could go down:

June 2007 - Led by LeBron Raymone James, the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Detroit Pistons in a 6-game series to advance to the NBA Finals. The series begins with a little drama, as suspended referee Joey Crawford sneaks into the game and attempts to fight Rasheed Wallace. Overcome with anger and rage, Wallace’s head explodes, leaving the Pistons left to rely on former University of Michigan standout and timeout extraordinaire, Chris Webber. Drew Gooden’s soul patch on the back of his head proves to be too complicated for this U of M standout to comprehend (some education) and Gooden has a monster series. The Cavs then proceed to defeat the Phoenix Suns in a 7-game thriller. Despite James' numbers of 44.6 points, 10.0 rebounds, and 8.8 assists per game, writers unanimously vote Steve Nash for Finals MVP.

October 2007 - After a relatively disappointing start to the season, Travis Hafner finishes runner-up in the MVP voting. Hafner’s performance is only topped by teammate Grady Sizemore, who, despite being bombarded by his fan club “Grady's Ladies” in a game against the Chicago White Sox (which causes him to miss 2 weeks of the season due to an elbow injury and/or sheer embarrassment from being tackled by a bunch of horny 15-year old girls), hits .328 with 37 home runs, 106 RBI and 25 stolen bases. Behind Hafner, Sizemore, and Cy Young Award runner-up C.C. Sabathia, the Tribe marches its way past the Detroit Tigers and the Evil Empire to face the Atlanta Braves in a rematch of the 1995 World Series. A major factor is the Braves’ inability to hit Indians pitching. Much of this can be attributed to Jeff Francoeur, who refuses to ever take a pitch and goes hitless for the Series. The Braves don’t have David Justice at their disposal this time, which allows the Indians to take the series in 5.

January 2008 – The Buckeyes overcome the overwhelming odds of returning to the BCS national championship game after Troy Smith and company leave for the NFL. Led by the popular dual quarterback system with Todd Boeckman and Antonio Hinton at the helm, this OSU team looks reminiscent of the dual QB-led Florida team of last year. The glaring difference is that Ohio State relies on the size of junior All-American receiver Brian Robiskie and star running back Chris “Beanie” Wells as opposed to speed, which they lack. Ohio State plays a talented Southern California squad, which boasts All-Americans at 11 of the 22 starting spots. Similar to the 2007 Championship game, the favorite (USC) grossly underestimates the underdog (OSU), and doesn’t adequately prepare for the tricks up Jim Tressel’s sleeve. Ohio State wins and might I add, USC loses. Pete Carroll swears for the umpteenth time that he’s not interested in an NFL job, and then heads for Detroit to coach the 1-15 Lions. He likes a wide receiver – maybe Robiskie – in the upcoming draft. O.J. Mayo forces himself on the field in the 4th quarter and is met with a barrage of boos, which are only subdued by the sweet, melodic, lyrical dexterity of USC basketball’s own, Lil’ Romeo (I’m not making this up, he’s playing basketball for USC next year).

February 2008 – In Belichick-esque fashion, Romeo Crennel wins coach of the year as he leads Brady Quinn, a rejuvenated Jamal Lewis, and a young, but talented 3-4 Defense all the way to the Super Bowl. No one could have predicted it, but I, who said it all along. The season changing moment is during the Browns first game against the Steelers, in which Cleveland is in the process of getting demolished by its arch-rival (once again). Quinn isn’t throwing the ball to Braylon Edwards enough, which causes the spoiled #1 receiver to throw a massive fit of bitching and complaining on the sidelines, befitting behavior of one who once frequented the halls of the University of Michigan. As Edwards goes on his tirade, Kellen Winslow II comes to the rescue. As we later discover, Winslow, really is a bona fide U.S. Marine soldier. He goes after Edwards’ legs. Edwards comes right back at him in a war for the ages. The important thing to take from this fight is that Winslow instills much needed toughness into Braylon, who as a result finishes with a Pro Bowl season. In the Super Bowl against the New Orleans Saints, Brady Quinn gets hurt in the first quarter, giving the opportunity for Charlie “Chaz” Frye to shine. Despite Reggie Bush’s 400 all-purpose yards (150 rushing, 100 receiving, 150 returning), both has-been Jamal Lewis and never-was Chaz Frye end up hoisting the Super Bowl trophy.

April 2008 – Scenario A: Greg Oden and Mike Conley Jr. return for their sophomore seasons. Oden, who seems to have mysteriously aged 10 more years since the past season, averages 30 points, 20 rebounds, and 7 blocks per game. Ohio State never loses a contest as they breeze past each opponent as Mr. Oden delivers O.J. Mayo a much-needed and much-overdue reality check in the Championship Game.

Scenario B: Oden, Conley, and Daequan Cook leave for the NBA. David Lighty scores 20 points per game for the season and Kosta Koufos establishes himself as a force to be reckoned with at center. After an easy road to the Championship Game, beating #13 Cleveland State University, #12 Charlotte, #9 Xavier, #10 Florida, and #5 Duke in the tourney, they knock off the UCLA Bruins, who become cursed with making it to the Final Four every year and losing.

**So by a year from now, every major Cleveland/Ohio State team will have probably won their respective championship. My question for you is this: is this just a sheer delusional Cleveland fan talking? Well, yes. But do these teams actually have a shot? I think so, and you should too. I don’t want my hair to get TOO long…